50 Reasons To Leave Your Lover

Today I was trying to think of a song that really got on my nerves when I was at high school. This was mainly because this morning I began to think about how I used to agree with everyone at school. I was so different to everyone else that I thought if I really said what I was thinking I’d have no-one to talk to. That’s what it felt like anyway.

One day a school friend  said how she loved this particular song I absolutely loathed…. and I agreed it was a really choice song.

It was the worst … it made me want to strangle myself with my bare hands to escape the ….God…..the pathetic sob story. This song, it contrasts how this bloke would feel if whatshername left him – with how he would feel if she didn’t… I

t is originally a French song and the French version, well it’s even more atrocious in its sentiment than the English version…but at least it’s honest in its sentiment. It says what it is, it says I want humiliate myself before you. The English version is in the key of a half-whine. A semi quaver, as in, it makes you want to quaver…well, half quaver. …“.~~~~.“….that’s me quavering.

So, through a series of funny emails with a friend today, I was remembering this God awful song. It took a while ‘cos I haven’t thought of it for a very long time. And thank God, I haven’t heard it either!!

The thing about this painful song is….you know….if you’re in this much pain…take an aspirin and go to bed or finish that bottle of pinot gris or or or or…I mean, there are infinite possibilites.

Just don’t tell me your problems.

 Ok, the song is If You Go Away and it’s the version by the bloke who did it in the mid 70s. I don’t know his name. Maybe it sounds different if Shirley Bassey or Nirvana did it. In the French version it’s called Don’t Leave Me. At least that’s straight up self humiliation and supplication. If You Go Away….what’s that saying? This bloke knows she’s going to leave, it’s fait accompli, so there’s not really any ‘if’ about it.

 Apparently this title If You Go Away is supposed to instill hope, she might change her mind. Mate, there is no hope, the Frogs get that and don’t lie about it. In the French version, he is fried frogs legs. In our version, we know he’s  toast even if he’s still deluded.

Ok, some lyrics: You must tell the world To stop turning ’til you return again If you ever do Is this meant to be romantic?? This is the 25th reason she’s leaving. Crap lyrics.

There is nothing left In this world to trust Just an empty room Full of empty space Like the empty look I see on your face And I’d have been the shadow Of your shadow If you might have kept me By your side. That’s the bit that so creeps me out. “I’d like to be the shadow of your shadow.”  Brrrrr, that’s me semi quivering again. The French version is : “Let me become the shadow of your shadow, the shadow of your hand, the shadow of your dog” Yeah it’s creepier than the English version but once you start wanting to cling to someone’s shadow, you may as well wax lyrically about that fact and take it all the way….to the dog’s shadow.

Here’s the full version of the song.  Bet you fall asleep before you get to the bit about….leave me just enough love to fill up my hand..where does he get them from?  

If you go away On this summer’s day Then you might as well Take the sun away All the birds that flew In the summer sky When our love was new And our hearts were high And the day was young And the nights were long And the moon stood still For the night bird’s song If you go away If you go away If you go away… But if you stay I’ll make you a day Like no day has been Or will be again We’ll sail on the sun We’ll ride on the rain And talk to the trees And worship the wind But if you go I’ll understand Leave me just enough love To fill up my hand If you go away If you go away If you go away… If you go away As I know you will You must tell the world To stop turning ’til you return again If you ever do For what good is love Without loving you? Can I tell you now As you turn to go I’ll be dying slowly ’til the next hello If you go away If you go away If you go away… But if you stay I’ll make you a night Like no night has been Or will be again I’ll sail on your smile I’ll ride on your touch I’ll talk to your eyes That I love so much But if you go I won’t cry Though the good is gone From the word goodbye If you go away If you go away If you go away… If you go away As I know you must There is nothing left In this world to trust Just an empty room Full of empty space Like the empty look I see on your face And I’d been the shadow Of your shadow If you might have kept me By your side If you go away If you go away If you go away… If you go away If you go away…

Hummm, ping! clickety, Swoosh

The first time I went into  a crystal shop I was with a friend who was into all that stuff.  I wasn’t.  The shop was small, almost like a little bach, but it was packed to the brim with bright and shining objects. 

 When I walked in I was hit with the most extraordinary noise.  A wall of different pitched  pure notes came at me, sort of sounding like the humming you get on power lines or Tibetan singing bowls. I put my hands over my ears and ran outside because it was loud and I wasn’t expecting it and it scared me a bit.  I said, stop that! I want to walk back in there and not hear that noise!  They did what they were told!

 The next sound experience I had was after reading a book by someone  Ayani.  It was about the rainbow body and really  affected me energetically.  One night after reading it I was in bed asleep and suddenly found myself speeding through the universe.  I thought, oh did I die? I must have died!  I was completely conscious watching this experience unfold before me – it was no dream state. 

 It was the noise that I most remember – the speed of moving so fast through space. It made a loud rushing sound – and it was bumpy too.  Much later I heard this sound in Tom Kenyon’s music and some other ‘spiritual’ tracks.   The experience lasted a very short time.  I saw the most perfect yellow circle and the most perfect blue triangle – off in the distance.  The colours were so beautiful they were jaw dropping.  The colours were made of pure light.

The next interesting and unusual sound I heard also involved a crystal.  I was wearing a green crystal wand pendant thing.  I can’t remember what the crystal was – I was never any good at remembering their names.  Anyway I was at work having a bit of a heated argument about  some war somewhere. I was getting a bit hot under the collar. Suddenly this crystal cracked and half of it fell to the floor.  It was a very loud crack when it broke in half and a very noisy clatter when it hit the floor. We both stopped speaking and got a bit spooked.   The crystal cracked in a very peculiar way, like someone who was very strong came along and just snapped it in half. Crikey, as Rhys Darby would say.

The last sound that comes to mind was a clicking in one ear. That same friend who loved crystals told me one day that she was getting a clicking sound in one ear. She described it as ‘like morse code”  I didn’t think much about it but a few weeks later I also began hearing clicking in one ear too. It  sounded  like the clicking dolphins make when they communicate.  This clicking lasted for a few months and went away.  I don’t know what it was.

Anyway, all this is leading to the sounds I’m working with now. This  528 hz. I found a youtube crystal bowl ringing clip tuned to this Love frequency and played it to  two glasses of water yesterday.  I did feel better afterwards and I still feel better. I did it again tonight. I love the sound.  My cells love it.

See you at your blog tomorrow Matariki.  Will definitely ‘swing’ by.

I woke up this morning having given birth to two children – in a bath of buttermilk – like Cleopatra. If you’d asked me yesterday the question, what  did Cleopatra bathe in?  I would have said  milk or goat’s milk maybe, but not buttermilk.  Apparently…well according to Google… buttermilk is the right answer. 

 I’ve had a dream about Cleopatra once before. In it I was seeing Mark Anthony in a chariot race through her eyes…  I don’t know  the goss about me and Cleopatra – I’m not saying I was her, just twice I’ve dipped into a consciousness that sent me her way.  

Sometimes, like today, I just want to know why things happen.  Why did I dream of giving birth in a bath of buttermilk like Cleopatra? ….. Ok now here comes the the avalanche of questions…why can’t I levitate, why can’t I teleport and how come I haven’t managed to stop time yet?  These are a few questions I’d bloody well like answered today please.  Cos I’ve been waiting since 2001.  It’s 2012 (I’ve moved Time forward) now.  Come on!!

I feel on edge today (maybe you can tell).  It’s like I’m, we’re, on the edge of something and I want to see over the edge but I don’t know where to find the edge yet.  Over the edge we’ll see untold miracles.

Anyway half an hour ago I went to have a shower because water is so healing and clearing  – and water has begun to speak to me too.  The droplets said setting water to 528 hz  and then drinking it would be an interesting experiment for me. And something really important about water magnifying the 528 hz frequency that I don’t understand yet.    

So I’m going to set some water to 528 hz this arvo…why didn’t they have science projets like this when I went to school?

Will give you the results as they come to hand.


John Lennon’s Imagine has been with me most of this year. It began at Judy Satori’s retreat in May when she played the track after a morning of channelling light language. With my eyes closed I could feel him in the room, he WAS in the room!!. His  energy filled up all the space with his special form of light language.  Judy said after the song finished… oh, I had no idea I was going to play that!! 

Judy’s retreat was all about the time to come, when light pours onto the planet, into us and through us, this time to come, this new epoch of time. Which is no time. This time of Peace, Love, Oneness.  And that’s what John was saying too. He was telling us so accurately of this time to come. Written all those years ago.

 Imagine was there again last night again as I went to sleep.  I left the radio on and sometime after midnight the lyrics streamed through the darkness…imagine there’s no heaven….it’s easy if you try…..no hell below us…..above us – only sky… It was like a lullaby.

This afternoon I turned on the tv and went to  the music channel, something I rarely do.  Stone Temple Pilots were performing Revolution. The lyrics also spoke of this time coming. Or this time that has come.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post except  I reckon his music will be big in 2012.  I feel like  Imagine will become an anthem. Imagine that!

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace

 I have recently learnt that if you hold the ‘right’ vibratory rate, you can actually bring into being, that which you imagine.    The clue to the correct vibratory rate is in another song of John’s.  It goes, All you need is love….all you need is love, love. Love is all you need.  Heehee, enough clues there eh! 

Have a blissful Christmas Day.



One night, about five years, I was standing on a bed at 9 pm looking out the window on a quiet spring night.  I was watching lightning off in the far distance as it made soft orange smears across the sky.  The light show  went on for about 10 minutes, which seemed a long time, longer than usual.

Suddenly that same diffuse orange light that I’d just been watching in the distance appeared on a paddock about150 m from the house.  I might have thought it was a torch light but it had no source and it had no beam.  It was like a soft orange glow that moved along the ground, about  say, 3 feet wide, that  widened and contracted with ease.  It looked like it was searching for something.  It moved quickly.  I was intrigued.

It was a still night and light enough so that I could make out the outline of trees. Not pitch black, not windy.  Not a spooky kind of night.  The light, after swishing around the paddock, then turned up in the field next to the house, about 50  m away.   I thought, blimey! This is weird.  I went outside, with the intention of going to have a closer look. I put my gumboots on, stepped off the deck and then reversed my movements.  I got too scared you see.

Back I went to the bed to gaze.  I wasn’t scared if I was able to look from the safety of the house.  The lights continued to move this way and that along the ground, they did this for about 10 mins.  A car came along the road.  The motorist must have seen what was going on because the car parked in a driveway up the road and stayed there with the parking lights on.

All of a sudden, I will never forget this moment as long as I live….a beam of light came straight down from the sky onto the ground.  The beam lit up a space about as big as a spot light on the stage…a small area.  It was a strong white beam, exactly like a spot light beam.  At that moment I  got  terrified.  I was so scared I jumped into bed and went straight to sleep.  You’d think being terrified would mean I couldn’t sleep…this was not the case. I slept like I’d taken sleeping pills.

I told people about my extraordinary story for months…and then for years afterwards.  Some people said, well, why didn’t I just go out there and get a good look.  These people have never seen unexplained phenomena …they don’t know how scary it actually is.  Other people asked if I could hear an aircraft, that an aircraft was using spotlights.  Mmmmmmm. Next.   A friend told me a story about her weird experience with an unexplained light at 2 am as she was driving on the main road, about 5 km from here. She said she got out of her car to get a closer look at this soft light that appeared over a small hill on  farmland quite close to the road.   Then she got scared and jumped back in her car and sped away.   I knew what she meant.

I don’t know what the lights were and I don’t have a theory.  I just love the fact that I saw “that”.  It broadened my horizons….things do happen out there that we don’t have easy answers for.

I also love the way no-one else is ever there when you witnessed these events.  You sort of feel you need back-up to tell a weird story.  I guess the motorist parked in the driveway thinks he was the only one  to see what happened that night too. And my friend on the road at 2 pm, not another car anywhere.  Typical!

….and strange and weird and wonderful.


Things feel like they’re changing fast. Straight after 11.11.11 everything appeared dull, one dimensional, flat. I didn’t care about anything.  A few weeks later I cared a lot.  I had no control over my emotions, they would run rampant one minute and  fizzle out in the next.  I would want to REALLY want to die  at 10 in the morning and be busy baking a cake in the afternoon.  I would be miserable and longing to go “Home’ to the Stars on Tuesday and find myself coping okay on Wednesday. 

Thank God I  had  Judy Satori’s light language (www soundoflight)  to help out with  all this internal coming and going. The sounds calmed me and stilled my shaking cells.  I felt like a baby in arms being cradled and nourished. 

In a way it does feel like we are being rebirthed. That we are starting again at zero.That all the emotional stuff coming up is doing so to release and clear to make way for something new, something we’ve never, as Homo sapiens seen or experienced before.

It is love.  Love, love, love.   We have never experienced real love, real peace, real oneness as Homo sapiens.  We’re experienced fear, separation, lack, limitation.

Now, I really feel, (it’s a hunch, a willingness to trust and have faith) that we are getting to the stage where we are evolving into Love.  It is an evolution. The word evolve – see ‘love’ right there in the word backwards. And if you move the ‘o’ forward and snuggle it between the ‘l’ and the ‘v’, there’s ‘love’ spelt forwards. Cute.

That Love frequency, 528 hz, it’s coming in now. It’s a ringing in the ears.  I’m not of people who can hear it but I bet heaps of people can, those with an ability to tune into the Earth’s rhythms or tune out into the cosmos.   

More and more I hear the song ‘Imagine’ playing in my head. How did John know so much about the future. He is singing our song, the song of the time coming, that we will experience….

…yeah, you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I hope some day you’ll join us and the world will live as One.


When I was a teenager I loved music.  At 14 I was seriously in love with David Cassidy… but definitely not Donny Osmond.  At 19 I  grooved to Santana and Pink Floyd and Lep Zep and was completely besotted by The Doors, well, one particular member of The Doors.   

I went to a few concerts like Fleetwood Mac, Jeff Beck, Split Enz, Elvis Costello…and Sweetwaters of 79.  They were all ok, Splitz Enz being the pick of the bunch. So good those guys!!

Then I  guess I turned 28ish and began listening to National Radio and got interested in politics and social justice… and thus began the long slide into not listening to music hardly at all.

When I turned 48 I suddenly had a hunger for live music. Good for me, The Stones decided to roll down to Western Springs  and a mate and I drove down to see their Bigger Bang tour.  I discovered musically inspired bliss!!   Who knew a band could create such magic. Mick at 63, ran up and down the stage for 2 hours. Keef (ok Keith) flicked his smoldering cigarette into the air in defiance of our Clean Air Act.   Mick reminded me of a shaman, mixing aspects of cougar, tiger, panther so that he was seriously embodying an animal magnetism that mesmorised his audience. The sound was electric, tingling, I definitely  knew I was alive.

At the end of the last encore he bowed to the crowd of 50,000 who responded… I felt the wave of energy rise up from the ground.  He bowed again and another energetic wave blasted over the top of me towards the stage.  He bowed one more time – another blast.  Right then I could really see why he loved being on stage,  what must it have been like to feel that energy hit you??  Better than any drug.

I played The Stones all that summer…

A year later Leonard Cohen turned up.  I wasn’t really a Leonard fan but I got ‘the message’ (I always listen to what ‘they’ say) and so off I went to the Vector Centre.  No-one would come with me…somehow people thought he was all about depressing songs composed for suicidal people. Leonard was divine, sweet, hilariously funny.  Although there were 12,000 people in the audience and I was way up the back, he conveyed such an intimacy, that I felt I could feel his breath. The concert was  divine, sublime, angelic. His voice was velvety, rich, luxurious, playful like a kitten, unafraid. It was such an delight to experience his presence.

Last summer the messages came through with,  well actually it was a message from The Hathors who I had been channelling for nearly a year.  They said, you absolutely must go and see Fat Freddys Drop, you will find such joy.  I didn’t know Fat Freddy, I mean, I knew that they existed but that’s all. They were to play at Opononi, a hour’s drive (plus ferry ride) away so I got a friend to come and meandered over there. 

Those Hathors know what they’re talking about.  Such Joy!! The Freddies  gladdened all our hearts with their joie de vivre, their expansive and playful nature, their love of life. The energy of spontaneity was abundant.  I really did learn a lot about the meaning of joy from this lovely little concert in this lovely little part of the world.

The funny thing is I listened to one of their songs on the radio last week…it didn’t do anything for me.  I have to see them live to get the vibe. 

So this summer I’m driving down to Matakana to see them on Jan 2.  It’s a long way to go, 3 hrs each way, but what the hell eh. The Hathors are giving me the nudge.  There is more for me to learn from Fat Freddy …


South Island Trips

 I can’t tell you how beautiful the South Island of New Zealand is. I’ve travelled to nearly 20 countries over the years but none beats this particular part of the world.

For the last three years  in Nov or Dec a girlfriend and I have picked up a campervan in Christchurch and headed off west or south. It’s warm then and the days are long so we can be outside walking for hours. 

About four months before each trip I begin to set the energy for the trip …the energy is playfulness. I ‘feel’ where we should go…that is, where we will be gifted with  delight….and build more energy. Over the months I begin to get more and more excited about all that we will see and do. 

 To me the North Island is nothing like the South.  Down on ‘The Mainland’ there is a different ‘light’ and that light creates a completely different frequency. It is a frequency I hummmmm in tune to. So it is easy for me to create our experience in some way beforehand…my friend Wendy also equally contributes to the energy with her wonderful openess.  

This year we didn’t manage the Nov trip so I am beginning to plan now for one in May. An hour ago  I  sat down with the map and thought we were going to the Catlins but I was pointed to Fiordland instead.   Yay. No offence Catlins.

On our first South Island  adventure we went over to the West Coast. I received the message that the trip would involve a lot of water, rain rain rain.  The West Coast is known as the Wet Coast but the message was about more than normal coast weather.  A few days before  we left  I found a brilliant wet weather poncho that had never been opened, laying at the back of the cupboard. That was funny.  At one point I asked, wouldn’t it be better to go to Mount Cook then, to avoid this weather? The answer was “don’t you want to have fun?”  I said to Wendy, it’s gonna rain, bring a coat!!

It did rain… our clothes got wet and we threw them in plastic bags and chucked on clean dry ones. The poncho was loved by all. The colours of the West Coast bush in the rain were so extraordinary.  We had never seen so many shades of green. Rich, verdant colours, expressing a smogasbord of greeness.  

On the second to last day we went on a walk to the top of Fox Glacier as part of a tour group.  It was a bit wet on the way up and we had to be careful crossing a stream. Up on the ice we got the call from the tour company that water was rising below us and we would have to make a quick exit down.  The stream was a torrent when we arrived and we all linked arms with the amazing guides to cross through the surge which made a more interesting return to the bus than tourists usually get.Plus the guides enjoyed the change from the normal routine. 

Back at the tour company office, the last group after us were being brought back by heilocopter, such was the rain and the rising water levels. . We thought eeeek, what if the roads close and we can’t make our flight back to Auckland the next day!!.

So we began the drive, 3 hrs, back to Hokitika…. Oh My God….There was wind that grabbed the vehicle and threw it left and right, there was rain that pelted.  There was river water that rose up two feet to fly like birds across the brown surging pulsing  expanse.  Wendy, bless her soul, (not really) insisted on getting out of the vehicle on a bridge to watch the extraordinary spectacle.

We finally made Hokitika, not so much driving as aquaplaning. It was an amazing journey. Loved it in retrospect but was a bit scared at the time.  When we got back up north to our home town we learnt that the road to Fox had been washed away and trips to the glacier would be cancelled for weeks.

So I listen to what I’m given about our trips south. I’m glad we didn’t go to Mt Cook, where it didn’t rain. I wouldn’t have missed that wet one for the world.


Christchurch wasn’t known for earthquakes…but all that changed less than two years ago when the first big one hit, measured  at 7.1; it was the same magnitude as  Haiti.  No-one died, it seemed a miracle.  A young guy sleeping on the top floor of a two storey house in Hororata house fell out of bed ….and landed on the ground. The wall had disappeared leaving him  tumbling into the night.

At the end of 2010 year there was another shake, in the middle of Christmas celebrations, on Boxing Day, the city rattled again.  A month and a half later, on Feb 22 this year a 6.3  came up from the ground like a serpent (this was the description of someone there, this is how it felt to them) and the city centre crumbled. People died, nearly 200. Watching the aftermath on TV in real time immediately after the quake  was incredible, the devastation everywhere.  The  Christchurch cathedral, which used to dominate the square, was probably trying to get up and run like the rest of crowds of daytime shoppers and visitors…but she stumbled and toppled over.  The  iconic building can no longer reflect back to the people of Canterbury their sense of history or mirror back to them a feeling of stability and permanence.   The last big one came a few months later in June.  More structures collasped. 

I was in Christchurch recently and was amazed to see how ‘munted’ (a good Kiwi expression) the city centre is. Actually seeing it is very different to documenting the facts on paper from afar.    I walked around the lovely new Art Gallery at 10 in the morning, usually a place humming with people.  It was silent, not even a bird flying in the sky.   A few tourists walked past me, it was so quiet they whispered to each other. 

 I felt such sadness and was not prepared for the emotion that it stirred in me. It wasn’t that I was sad for the lost buildings or the toppled churches because I have no connection to the city and I have never really thought that the architecture of the Christchurch cathedral or Arts Centre was that beautiful or inspiring. (this could be blasphemy – oops).  It was the emotion of the people that was still held in the air that did it. Trauma… bewilderment maybe.  Something like that. 

Walking  back to the temporary bus station to catch transport to the airport, I passed the only store open and walked in.  It was a clothes shop and it was a sale!!  I joined the crowd of happy shoppers, the fitting rooms with queues for miles.  I am not a shopper but I couldn’t help grabbing a few lovely items.  It was so nice to join in, to do something ‘normal’ when all around was not. It was like a psychological thumbs up – look, we’re enjoying ourselves, out shopping for the day.  It was retail therapy, with the emphasis on therapy. 

And I love the people of Christchurch.

Castle Hill NZ

There’s a place called Castle Hill near Arthur’s Pass in New Zealand. I first discovered this place of great and wise stone beings in 2005 when I spent 10 days on a shamanic retreat based at the alpine village nearby.  A couple of things happened while there.  The first was a warrior in ‘warrior stance’ who appeared to me through the veil of another dimension and challenged me with the question What are you doing here?  He was quite scary and energetically it felt like he was saying that the place we were climbing to (a high plateau of Stone Beings above the main group) was a place of great learning and I had no invitation, nor right, to be there.  At the time I didn’t know what to do and presented him with a white feather to which he said Pfffffff…what good is this to me?  Then he was gone. There were 10 in our group of women and no other member was asked a question.  Or challenged.  (I was the only Maori in the group and wondered if that had anything to do with what had happened.  I was trying to make sense of it all since I was relatively new to this path of energy and other realities and I was still using my brain to understand what was happening.)

Once up on the plateau we were instructed by the group leader to choose a stone to sit with.    As I sat I telepathically received information that said I must learn the langauge so I could understand. This may not sound very exciting but the energetic feeling that accompanied it was quite profound. I really wanted to do this thing they asked.

On another day I went alone to the healing lands which was a lovely grassy meadow on private land at the village.  Here I went into a meditation (usually meditation was hard for me to achieve) which allowed me to communicate with the wind.   As I picked up energy with my thoughts the wind swirled in a circle high in the tops of the pine trees.  When I lost concentration it fell away.  It was so enjoyable, what an experience! Later or before, I was in a very awake but altered state, I received my first telepathic communication with my mother who had died 15 years before.  I could feel her behind me and she spoke about her regret that she had not prepared me for life  well in the sense of feeling self sufficient and able to move well in the world. But she said she herself was so well and happy, with her mother. She gave me information about the importance of Love, that this was a key to unlock life’s wonders.  She was a happy spirit I could almost feel her dancing.

More tomorrow of my Castle Hill experiences.