So sure, I agree, I’m flying off the handle all over the show.
I didn’t know years ago when I committed myself to the ascension process that the way to ascend was through transformation of the boiling cesspool lurking in forgotten corners and recesses of my soul.
I didn’t know that I would have to let every shadow and dark space and anxiety -ridden corner of me plus agitation and anger and foulness come up for examination so that it could be translated into another language, another vibration, a language of light.
I didn’t know the 40 days and 40 nights wandering in the desert would be….longer than that…..and drier….and colder at night…..and hotter during the day.
Nah, just kidding. It’s been fine…
After I wrote that last post I noticed I was not mad anymore. So thank you, you helped me over some judder bars.
But wait….there’s more. Apart from all the shadowy stuff to deal with, I am finding that what is tagging along with this shadow is a creativity and ability to access information that I didn’t possess before.
I’ve noticed since coming back from the retreat that I can do cryptic and straight crosswords with my father in no time at all. I’ve been throwing out answers before he has barely had time to read them out to me. This didn’t use to be the case.. I used to have to think about the clue and process the answer through my brain. Such a long winded way to do it by the way.
Now I just, well, it’s like I reach up and grab the answer out of space.
It’s really kewl. I’ve been impressing myself with this new found gift.
I have been able to do this ‘grabbing’ for years with channelling. Like, I used to channel stuff that I didn’t actually know – and it would turn out to be correct. Lots of people do this eh. But until now I haven’t been able to do that any old time for any old thing.
So I feel like something has come online. Like, I am Google. Okay, let’s not get carried away but perhaps you know what I mean.
I think, feel, intuit, that as I clear the rubbish out of the files, there is less stuff to clog up the system and more ability to make the engine work faster. Like going from dial up to broadband. Less of the broad….I’m on a diet.
So there you go…there is hope.
…Here comes the sun little darlin’, here comes the sun and I say….it’s alright…..sun sun sun here it comes…..
When I began the ascension process I thought I would incremently become more loving and more unified and little by little I would be this little bundle of delightfulness.
I thought by 2012 I would only have a few more little bits of work to do before I transformed into this thing of gorgeousness, in the same way as like a beautiful butterfly springs from a dull and lifeless looking chrysalis. Today I can tell you that so far in 2012 I have been a cow, a toad, a dirtee rat, a hound dog, oh yeah, a bitch….we sure know how to transfer our humanness onto other species eh.
Judy Satori said at the Becoming The Sun retreat last week that we would, could, expect a lot of emotional ups and downs in the coming weeks. I have been furious since I have come home from the retreat last Monday. Furious about not being believed, furious about being thought mad – I have attached almost any conversation to these ‘themes’ coming up in me right now. Then “just furious” in general turned up a few days later.
Ok, so now I’m gonna go on about nothing in particular. I’m talking crap here really but it’s also part of the ‘just furiousness’ I’m going through so read on or switch off. … I know which one I’d do if I were you…. So I go into the supermarket and hit the check out with a full trolley two days ago. I ask the check out person if she could please just put all the frozen food in a cardboard box that I put in the outgoing trolley. I stack all the frozen food so this manoeuvre will be easy for her.
Every other check out person I’ve ever met in this supermarket does this. It takes no time since they have to put the food in the empty trolley anyway. It’s really no extra effort. So I ask could she do this and she says “No! We don’t pack, that’s up to you. I look at her, she looks at me. She then hands me the frozen food to put in the cupboard box. Which actually takes more effort on her part than what I asked her to do. Jesus, did that make me mad. So I stood there fuming and singing… here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say…..little darlin’ – it’s been a long and lonely winter… hehehehe.
I was mad about it for ages afterwards. But then like I said, I’ve been fuming since I got back from The Sun so what’s new eh.
I had another instance of ‘fummery’ when trying to pay the tunnel toll through the Northern Motorway the day after I got home. The website wouldn’t load the payment page. I tried for an hour and a half and then wrote not one, but two shitty emails to the ‘contact’ link.
They replied two days later which I thought was a good strategy cos we’ve all moved on in 48 hours and neither they or I actually care by the time I receive the reply. Hehehehe.
But mate, at the time I was SO mad. There is much more to this story and I will tell it in another post later today.
The next bit isn’t moany at all so if you finished this post and thought -what a dopey cow (why cows, they’re lovely by the ya) ….well, the tide will turn next time. Love and joy and blessings to you ….see….tide going out. I No Lie.
Shortly after my mother died in 1980 I developed depression. When I was young I wondered how anyone ever managed to get so sad. What would cause this way of being? It seemed incomprehensible.
My mother was my best friend. She was my greatest supporter and the person I could tell anything to. She offered unconditional love.
When she died I was 22. At the time I was working at the local museum as part of a university student job holiday programme. I remember I went to work because I did not want to go to the hospital to see her. The day before I had watched her struggle for each breath, like she was climbing Mt Everest without oxygen. The sight ripped and tore at my flesh…I was in agony.
So I was at work on the day of her death. At lunchtime I went away in the car and stopped down a dirt side road. At 12.30 I composed a poem, it was not a good poem ,but it described how she was dismantling this self I had known. Her hands were leaving, hands that cradled me, her heart was flying high above me -I recounted her body parts that altogether made up my mother but now were only separate bits, just arms and legs and kidneys and lungs. Just muscle and sinew and tendons and valves and capillaries, just terms in a medical dictionary.
When I got back to work the coworker said my mother died at 12.30. I knew this…I felt her let go.
I went back to university but only stayed a few months. I cried a lot. I couldn’t concentrate. I gave up on studies and came back to my home town to work for a year before going on an OE as we say in NZ. Overseas experience.
I was depressed on and off while I travelled. I brought back an Aussie bloke I met in Israel. After 6 years he left saying it was hard to live with a depressive. I thought, tell me about it!!
For the next 10 years I so wanted to die a lot of the time. I prayed to be released in my sleep. I couldn’t believe I kept waking up every morning.
I was once on something like Prozac in the early 90s. I became an automaton, shuffling just like the characters in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. When I watched that movie I thought they acted weird like that because they were mad. I found out they acted like that because the drugs made them like that.
I dumped the drugs – which I only took because some family members thought the drugs would get me back to work earning money.
In 2000 I met someone who introduced me to spirituality. She told me about a healer and I went to this person and had some work done. I never had clinical depression again. Maybe it was what the healer did, maybe it was the spiritual journey I had begun … I don’t know.
Today here I am writing a litle bit about the journey from 2000 to now. So much has happened, it’s been bizarre and strange and wonderful and earth shattering.
Today I had my first reading of my akashic records. It made me cry and I noticed when I went to town to shop, I felt different and I related to people differently.
The reader said I had held something ‘huge’ in this lifetime – and I certainly felt that all my life. Now I feel …not relieved or released or lighter…..I feel more comfortable in this skin I’m wearing.
Like it’s easier to wear this garment of Me in this life. These hands and arms and liver and heart and lungs. They are a long way from dismantling. They have things to do.
I’m not depressed anymore, I’m deep in the process.
Two strange things happened on the trip to the Mana Retreat that I’ve just got back from.
Last Thurday I left to drive down to the Coromandel to the Judy Satori Becoming The Sun retreat. I thought I had put my bag of clothes in the car…as you do.
I DO remember packing the bag and I THOUGHT I had remembered putting the bag on the carseat… but when I got to Thames at 2.30 in the morning….I saw that there was no bag.
After learning what I had done, I thought, how incredible that was! I thought wow, I must have left the bag on the lawn, because I remember I had taken something from the backseat to leave at home and had gone inside to put it away. I thought I had come back outside, (it was dark) and slammed the door shut, after already putting the bag on the seat. This was sooooo not the case. I realised this, 300 miles from home.
I would usually get quite upset about something like that happening. Not that I’ve ever done anything quite like that before. But at 3 am all I thought was, I’m gonna shop for new clothes before I get to Mana.
Shopping in Thames isn’t half bad. I did get to buy some lovely new clothes, some of them were very cute I have to say. I really like the colours I chose, colours I have not worn for years and one colour, turquoise, I have never worn.
I reckon they are my new colours to match my new vibration.
Fast forward to the end of the retreat. I packed up my new clothes in a bag, collected EVERYTHING together and put it all in the car. My camera and sunglasses went onto the passenger seat and my wallet onto the driver’s seat. Then I thought, well, I’ll go back to the Mana room to sweep the room one more just in case.
I came back to the car….. and my wallet wasn’t there. I had put it on the front seat.
I didn’t really panic because even if I couldn’t find it, I still had a swipe card in the glovebox. I don’t usually do this, have my cards and wallet in two different places but for some reason, this is how it was.
Anyway, I went through a search pattern. I guess I looked right through the car three times. I thought, how weird, when I leave home for Mana I ‘lose’ my clothes and when I leave Mana for home, I ‘lose’ my wallet.
I was not very anxious about this ‘loss’….I was a bit anxious but I knew I could get home, that I had money from the card to get home. It was really just a bit of confusion that I had, since I knew I had put it on the front seat. I said to myself, it’s okay. And I felt pretty balanced.
…. on the fourth search I found it. It was so obvious… just sitting on the floor between the seat and the car door. You could not miss it …..It was almost jumping up and slapping me, that’s how obvious it was.
How it got down there I don’t know, how I didn’t see it when I opened the door three times I don’t know.
Something similar happened just before the last Judy retreat at Mana last May. A week or so before I was to travel down to this retreat I lost my car keys.
It wasn’t a normal losing of keys. This is exactly how it happened. I wallked out to the carpark with my trolley of groceries and hit the remote on the car key to unlock the doors. I threw the keys on the front passenger seat….like I always do, packed the groceries on the back seat, put the trolley away in the trolley bay which was just a minute away from the car, came back and got in to pick up the keys….no keys anywhere.
I searched for a full 30 mins. Nothing. I looked and felt under the passenger seat, pulled out all the groceries. I got my friend who works across the road from the supermarket to look, then her husband looked too. Nothing. I knew they were on the passenger seat or under the seat. I knew no-one had taken them. Fortunately I had a spare at home so it was only a matter of driving 20 mins home to rectify my problem.
In that story I finally found the keys 6 months later. Well, I didn’t find them, I was telling someone the story who became were very quiet for a while and then said, I know where the keys are. I thought sure you do! He spent some time feeling around….it took awhile. Then out popped the key. How many times did I look for the key? Lots!
In this year’s story I thought I had left my bag of clothes on the lawn…but I found out hadn’t even moved them from the bedroom where I packed the bag. Have I ever left home without my clothes before? Never!
There are certainly metaphors involved. I can’t be bothered describing the metaphorical hoopla. I just liked the feeling of weirdness, slight confusion and disorientation and in that in both cases it didn’t really matter.
I had a spare key in the first story and I had access to shops in the second. Interestingly, in the second story I actually did have my toilet bag, because I’d packed it separately, so I didn’t even have to buy mundane things like toothpaste and toothbrush and soap. I just needed to buy colours and clothing.
So there you go…maybe a bit boring to read as a blog post but you know me…gotta tell you everything…apparently.
Time’s gone weird. I’ve turned over the desk calendar to February. I’m over January. The art work that goes with February is all sunny and peaceful and still . The view is through gnarly pohutakawa branches looking down at a Coromandel bay with a flock of boats bobbing on turquoise waters.
January here was wet, overcast skies, lots of rain and sometimes a bit nippy. The sun shined for four days. I’m not complaining….
Weird stuff is happening generally. I walked into the supermarket last night and nearly keeled over from the strong smell of janola that the fish section had used to clean down the floor. Then I hit the meat section and I was equally shocked and amazed that we still eat animals.
I passed by the little packaged items down another aisle, all chemicalised within an inch of their packaging …and people will eat this crap.
I had never had quite that visceral an experience in a supermarket before. The horror of the meat section, the toxic smell of bleach, the dead food in plastic. But there is a new way.
Then I came home and watched The Piano. This movie is nearly 20 years old but I had never seen it before. I sorta liked it. There was a bit where her (who knows what her name is) husband gets violent and throws her around the room. She becomes a ragdoll …a thing of no life, no power, no right to be heard. I burst into tears. I saw ALL those women through time…not just her. We have treated each other like that. But there is a new way.
The scales are falling from my eyes. I’m beginning to see that it is becoming possible to live in a world of Truth and Beauty.
It is possible.
This heaven on Earth.
This New Earth.
Yesterday was ‘terrible’. The energy was unusual, it felt like it was tearing at me, ripping me open somehow. I had had a virus for a week, was nearly at the end of it…but it reset itself on start and I got another permutation of how the virus saw itself. Whereas before it was all upset stomach and no appetite, yesterday it turned coughy and headachy – like flu.
I have never had a virus like that before, a virus that is able to express itself in a whole new form all over again, at the end of the cycle. I thought it was quite clever.
So that flu feeling was all part of the terrible day, as well as the renting, tearing energy. ‘Exposing’ I could call it. Exposing my ego and seeing it fight and claw for its place. That’s quite a terrible spectacle. Let me explain….
The ego was coming in to swing its swords and knives and machetes because it was dealt a savage blow two days ago.
The background to this is I have always had a fear of being labelled mad. Veronica Torres, a channel from Sonoma California, in a private session last year, said I had been thrown in a mental asylum in Berlin in the 1800s for being an artist which painted offensive pictures. Pictures of Minotaurs ravishing beautiful young nubile maidens. That sort of thing. This was considered completely crazy and off I went to the asylum for the rest of my days.
I liked it in the asylum in some ways, I got meals and didn’t have to worry about how to sustain myself and I found the other fellow inmates bloody entertaining and very curious and fascinating in the ways they described the world. Much more interesting than ‘normal’ society.
However, the down side was that I was locked up, caged. Caged because of a label. Mad.
So when a cousin rang the other night to say he wanted to come …he mentioned that his grandfather had suggested it might not be a good idea to stay with me because “I had gone off the rails”. Toot. Toot.
I had gone off the rails (I’m a train I’m a choo choo train – remember that song?) because relatives had come up here recently and I elected to ‘just disappear’ rather than see them. In respectable society apparently, this is extremely rude. A bit like a minotaur having sex with a bit of crumpet.. according to my family.
I did the disappearing act because reality to these relatives is very clear, a 200,000 dollar pay packet, a PhD, superficial conversation around safe topics..definitely no talk about what gives you joy, delights you. Good rock solid monetary success stories are what they’re after. Wellllll, I have nothing to say about any of the things. can’t even pretend to form sentences in response to those things. So I disappeared.
This label sent me into more of that renting, tearing energy. Exposing this part of myself that fears it will be caged all over again. My ego got out it’s weaponry to save me.
I was okay after a while.
But Friday the 13th definitely started some big work for me. Even the numbers felt powerful as I woke that morning and touched into the day’s numbers. I don’t usually do this. 13 of the 1 of the 12.
Then I got an email sent out to the group for the Mana Retreat. It was from Judy Satori. She said:
Today, the 13th is the day of awakening. Spirit knows that you are coming to the retreat and you are beginning to be prepared for major change. Rest, relax and know that all is well.
It’s all good, but before the sun comes out there may be a few grey clouds and possibly even a spot of rain! I am told to tell you that you might feel unwell, emotionally upset or that you really don’t want to come to Mana.
These feelings are a normal part of a necessary break down of the ego self before break through can occur. Just be with what shows up.
I thought, imagine that, right on cue.
So that’s what’s happening today. It’s cough cough, toot toot, knife sharpening….lots of sounds.
The moon the other night did turn out to be beautiful…rising out of the east coast waters like a big burnt orange tangerine. Pity the picture came out looking like a kumquat. Have to learn how to use my $99 The Warehouse (where everyone get a bargain) camera properly.
The post the other day…about the Maori word for water being wai and all those place names that begin with wai. How incredible that I didn’t think of the Waitaha connection.
A few months ago I was all over the Waitaha connection…since I went to Castle Hill for elevenies. When I got home from this trip there was a force within me that wanted to find answers to some key or secret, hidden knowledge that was being called forth or birthed or something …in connection with Waitaha. It was driving me crazy..this unexplainable search or thirst.
I thought I had found someone who had knowledge but he turned out quite literally, energetically anyway, to be a whirlpool. If you don’t get free of a whirlpool fast, you get lost in it. I could feel the drag…it also had tentacles so it was a bit octopussy too. Quite a weird feeling. There was a choice, did I want to be dragged in or thrown beyond the tentacles. Anyone who hasn’t had this experience with energy will think I’m talking in riddles. I’m not.
Yep, the nice thing about energetic tentacles and whirlpools is you do get a choice, you get to consciously take responsiblity for what happens next. So it was a good revision of lots of concepts I had been working with.
The next person I found was a bloke in Christchurch who had a blog talking about Castle Hill in a way that I could really understand. So I contacted him and he was very helpful and insightful. He was about to buy the beautiful book Song of Waitaha for $50 (lucky bloke cos I paid $120 years ago) and pick it up from one of the ‘keepers’ of the Waitaha history, or herstory more like. So he was going to talk to her for me.
II felt that I really needed to talk to someone from Waitaha because it felt like I had codes to be activated or was connected to these codes. I know….it sounds odd to me too. And there was stuff about Mu and The Hollow Earth too…I had been getting this before I left for Christchurch.
Anyway, in the end it didn’t go anywhere. I realised that I was pushing for answers instead of letting them appear. They will appear when and if neccessary I learnt.
The name of this blog was supposed to be Ma te wa, I misspelt it as Metewa and couldn’t be bothered changing it. Ma Te Wa means, as Barry Brailsford so beautifully writes…Ma te wa means everything in its own time’, it’s phrase I was often told when the elders caught me trying to sprint where it was better to walk. ‘Learn to go beyond time into timing’, was the message. Ma te wa’ wait upon the moment. (Stonepress)
Wow! I love that. I learn from that.
And by the yay, don’t we have some truly amazing and wonderful people in this country….Judy Satori, Barry Brailsford, I’m adding Fat Freddy Drop too, because they sound like the light that Judy and Barry speak of.
Kia kaha Aotearoa, you ARE the light.
I’ve got blog anxiety….I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes and nothing has appeared on the page. Time to loosen up and open up and sigh and see what happens.
Love. This new frequency is premeating everything and everyone. All sentient beings are responding to the sound (inaudible to most, I can’t hear it either). The sound of love. MMmmmmmm just imagine what that sound, sounds like. It’s got something to do with water for me. Rushing water. Water holds so much light too, so it’s the sound of moving light filled liquid.
In Maori water is called wai. Sounds like why? The word for spirit is wairua. The wairua is the energy that flows through a person. Fascinating that the word for this flowing energy is in part made up of (wai) water. And lots of place names in Maori begin with wai. If you look at a NZ atlas index, there are pages and pages of them….Waitangi, Waitomo, Waipu, Waiheke…….
The word for singing or song is waiata which I really like because to me water holds the song of creation and creating It makes perfect sense to me that the word for song should be partly composed of water.
I am being drawn right now to go to the beach and sing to the waters – stretching all the way to the Americas on one side and Australia on the other. Yep…I will start tonight and tell you all about it tomorrow. Sing to the beautiful big bright moon.
Last night was full moon and I listened to Judy Satori’s January full moon transmission. It was soooo different to any of her other sessions. In her voice I heard an acceptance that what she has been teaching and downloading for 15 years – is in fact real. I’m not saying that she didn’t always know and feel this, but it felt like she has come to this accepting so completely. A complete knowing – cos you know, we’re human, it’s normal to question and fight against and challenge ‘this stuff’ that comes down the tubes. But it felt to me last night listening, that she has moved through a doorway that has never been open before.
The steel door that has been closed – but you can walk through it if you know the way.The way to vibrate.
And those Maori place names – they hold a vibration – because water does that. The place name holds the wairua of the people there.
Anyway …I’m going to take some pics of the sea and the moon tonight and try to insert them into this blog tomorrow. Wish me luck, cos I’ll need it.