My friend Zai-zai mentioned in an email yesterday that she had been looking for an update on my blog. I thought…..yep, I’m able to write something this morning.
I have been away down south for a couple of weeks. It was hard work. I don’t know why. The first four days were wonderful…I was at a Mu gathering at New Brighton in Christchurch. 28 people came to experience …well, I can’t speak for others. I went to experience my past.
I have felt Mu-ness for five or so years. Last year in Nov I really got ‘zapped’ by a Mu connection at Castle Hill in the South Island. The zappiness was a feeling…a linking into Mu, a deep knowing and remembering. In English it’s impossible to explain correctly and effectively. The language I have been speaking for over 50 years …is failing to convey any of the truth of my heart.
Here’s what I’ve learnt over the last few weeks…this deeper connection to the heart.
First off, I didn’t know moving more fully into my heart would hurt so much or make me so fearful.
I discovered, when I got home from 2 weeks ago in the South Island, that I was emptying out. I had to go to bed for two days. The fear and pain of it put me to bed. I discovered a natural human reflex…an attempt to hold on to what I felt was losing. My head was saying…but if you let everything go…what will there be left. Nothing!! That’s where the fear came in.
Along with that feeling I was constantly chilled to the bone. I would get warm late in the afternoon after a day of freezing cold. It was not cold at all by the way. Maybe 18 degrees C. I also had a lot of physical pain.
This survival instinct to ‘hold on’ and then feel grief when I couldn’t do that. During this experience I discovered some ah has.
Emptying out is not a loss. I had equal signs between the two. Emptying meant loss. Loss was scary and brought grief.
The emptying turns out to be the opposite of that. Emptying allows filling up. The potential for something completely new to be birthed.
You know that thing people say….they use pop psychology to label people as optimists or pessimists through the half full/half empty cup example. They go….well, if you see a cup and say it’s half full, you’re an optimist…if you see it as half empty then you’re a pessimist.
The truth is…. well, my truth, my ah-ha, is that half full a cup is very limiting. A half empty cup is very expansive.
Half empty means I can continue to fill it up…there is more to come. It might even mean infinite possibilities…hehehe That half full cup example…well…so there’s not a lot of potential there…I get to only work with the half that I can see.
Brrrrrr, I can’t be doing with that!!
I don’t know if this post sounds a bit daft. Thanks for staying with me anyway.